November 8, 2008

I don't know when I'll actually write a blog in Bradford, but today I'm on the east coast in the sea-side town of Scarborough, which manages to draw in tourists even in November. After eating fish and chips, I walked to the beach and stood, talking to myself, and hopefully to God for half an hour. I was honest--my bitterness, my desires, my fears, everything was transmitted into those waves. I went to the sea today because I believed God would be there. Or maybe just really hoped God would be, because I needed God to be. What else can you do when you have no answers, then to go where you think God is. Watching the waves and hearing the tide coming in is for me as close as I can get to my idea of God. It doesn't take long to feel connected to some terrific mysterious power when I just stand and watch and listen. I picked up a rock, dubbed it a testament to the conversation. I whisked the rock into the waves, turned around and went back to the train station.

October 28

We have been working with a Methodist youth group. This week we've been invited to accompany the youth group on a 4 1\2 day adventure to London. The trip began Saturday and ends tomorrow. Some of our activities have included an evening boat ride on the River Thames, a visit to Buckingham Palace, a stop at the National History Museum and a day at a theme park.

London is a fantastic city. It has gotten better since I visited 10 years ago, and I'm sure it will put on a show for the Olympics in 2012. Traveling continues to keep me fresh. Rachel, Kristen and I took a day trip to Skipton last week. Skipton is a quaint historic town (not like England has many of those) about 30 minutes from Bradford by train, and it boasts a castle, which we toured.

My faith has been tested lately. I have felt several times as if I'm in a dream, crying out for help and not able to be heard, not even by my own ears. Sorry, I tend to be dramatic. I have felt angry many times. Sometimes I feel I have nowhere to go with that anger. I have felt scared, threatened. I have felt like going home, as I was told several times during orientation that I would. This is one of the more complicated times I can remember. My sense of peace I had coming in now comes and goes. It often is undermined by instability and negative feelings. I believe things have to get better, particularly regarding our group, and I believe they will.

I visited a Tuesday night discussion group at the University of Bradford. The various topics of discussion center around peace. Upon my arrival, the leader asked me to give a talk about the Mennonite faith and the program as one of two main topics for the evening. I had no idea I'd be asked to do this. What came out was a 5 minute mini-lecture on the history of Anabaptism, and somehow connected it with George W Bush and US politics. The good news is I made a couple of new friends who seemed to think I did well, all things considered. On election night there are peace lectures going on at the University, so there I will see some of these people again. The youth group has offered opportunities to make new friends as well.

It's the 4th week in England now. Almost a month gone and still just 2 volunteer commitments. There are some others in the works.

Week 6

I need to find a gym. Despite the huge amount of walking I'm doing, I feel it's inevitable that one day soon I will wake to find myself an ox.

I may be on a different continent and doing a year of service, but I can't seem to shake my intrinsic and overwhelming need for travel and exploration. Some may call it restlessness. I call it embracing myself.

Today I'm in York. It's one of the most beautiful and historic cities I've seen. Sure, there are a lot of tourist traps and I haven't been immune to those. But there is history everywhere. The York Minster is about 800 years old. It's built on the site where Constantine was appointed the First Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, around 300 AD. Nearby is the shambles, narrow stoned streets with age-old shops hanging over your head. I walked into a weaponry shop where you can buy a flail, a wooden stick connected to a chain with a spiky iron ball on the end. Imagine trying to make it through customs with that baby. Then there's York's reputation fo being haunted. I'm the type that likes to watch shows like 'Ghost Hunters' on the Discovery Channel. Still, I must be careful to separate the fascinating, possibly real and yet corny Ghost exhibits from the ridiculous, obviously fake and hit-myself-over-the-head-I-can't believe-I-paid-10-pounds-for-this Ghost exhibits.

More closely related to the Radical Journey program, I'm beginning to become comfortable with the notion of being uncomfortable a majority of the time. Like my predecessor Matt Yoder said, paraphrasing, 'I didn't do Radical Journey to be comfortable.' Matt was referring to his outlook after having been robbed in the very flat in which I now live. After spending the first part of the year in comfortable solitude of the Pacific Northwest, I guess it's only fitting that I now feel like a salmon out of water. There are expected reasons and some causes I didn't expect for feeling this way. Living in a different country and working with children are things I expected to be daunting. I have to say I am more comfortable with the culture and the children than I had envisioned. I didn't necessarily think the tension, confusion and misunderstandings within our team would be as high. It is pointless to avoid the reality that our different outlooks, places in life, differences related to gender as well as religious and social beliefs are larger hurdles than I had thought. It will take time to become more comfortable, open, vulnerable, understanding, and trusting. All those things might be overstated but cannot be understated, especially in a program like this.

Thankfully there is something that I have been drawing on that never runs out, and that is the appreciation and knowledge of myself that I have taken from recent experience. That self-knowledge manifests itself as a quiet strength and undying belief that this is where I need to be, and gratefulness to myself for having decided to do this with the knowledge that there would be times when I wanted to quit. I admit that I have carried some motives for this program that could be diversive to the intentions of the program. However, I have faith that I will give of myself, maybe in ways that I won't even realize, and that I will be given what I need from the experience to prepare me for the next thing. Perhaps I can carry this same attitude of grace for myself and apply it to others as I continue to enter into uncomfortable situations with those who see the world differently. Who knows, I may make some lifelong friends.

Here's to many more adventures...

Week 5

Sat in on a class of Year 3 children (3rd graders) today, Oct 9. There was a substitute teacher. It reminded me of how "easy" it used to be with subs because they aren't aware of how the class is supposed to go.

I met their usual teacher in the lounge. His name is Colin Fieldhouse; he's around my age. I can see it'll be good to work with another young man. It's going to take some time to feel more comfortable with the girls, especially while adjusting to a new country simultaneously. Sometimes they rush to decisions without including me and there are big adjustments with the distinct ways in which we communicate. If it was going to be easy there wouldn't be much reason to do it--something I often told myself in San Francisco while taking on new challenges.

In Chicago it was a little overwhelming to share a living space with so many others. Now, there's a more familiar feeling of moving to a new place and a sense of having my work cut out for me. Our hosts, the Reverends Paul Flowers and Paul Bilton, have many possible volunteer positions for us to consider. I have my mind on a few. But it is still the first week here, and it may take a few weeks until my schedule becomes established. In the meantime, it is anxious but slowly becoming more comfortable to be here.

We met the Radical Journey coordinator for Europe, Tim Foley, who resides in Northern Ireland. He gave us a tour of downtown Bradford. It's a more appealing town than I expected. There are many pubs and cafes. The old buildings have an industrial look but they have their charm as well. The spectacular city hall is modeled from Florentine architecture.

We've had several impressive meals, including two at the Biltons, who live only a 5-minute walk away. They own hens that strut around their driveway. One hen, Alice, has an injured foot and stays in the house. On three separate evenings we've plopped on the Bilton's sofa while the Pauls, their friends Barry and Val, and additional guests have bantered away in their northern English accents. So flawless is their timing in preserving the flow of the conversation that their interactions resemble a play.

Week 4

During orientation we have examined a different spiritual discipline
every Tuesday and Thursday. Thursday's topic was solitude. Needless to
say, after living in a house with 15 people for two and a half weeks, I
was ready to get back to the basics, which for me is being alone in a
large city.

A good friend of mine once said that there is
hardly anything more rewarding then being connected or "in touch" with
one's self. For 6 months earlier this year, I had the opportunity to
practice this discipline nearly every day. Living in a cabin on the
Puget Sound near Seattle, WA, I found a connection with myself and God
through nature. I tried to explain it to the Radical Journey group,
only to feel glum at my failure to express the experience in words.
That's probably the only negative part of the experience, the lonely
feeling that comes when you realize that solitude can't be shared, not
even through mutual understanding, because the experience is personal
to the point of being bittersweet.

But sweet it was. It didn't matter how much TV I watched, how much I read the Bible, how much I surfed the internet.
None of that had any affect on me simply being there, surrounded by
nature. Bald eagles and seals outside my window were reminders of this,
filling me with a new and euphoric freedom and zest for life.

Also, it was in the cabin that I decided to come here to Radical Journey. I
always have to thank my friend Katie for the phone conversation that
caused me to realize what I wanted and needed from the next step of
life. Challenge, travel, community, putting selfish ambition on hold.
It was in the harmonic silence of the cabin where I determined that
becoming a baseball announcer would have been empty. Certainly there
was something else, something very different, a key piece of my own
puzzle that couldn't be traded for all the money in the world.

I had been missing solitude. Between moving out of the cabin on July 31st
and
last Thursday, there were few moments of alone time outside of my cross
country road trip (in a car and in cheap motels, which isn't exactly
high end solitude). Having lost a bit of mycenteredness
through all the transitioning, I fondly relived what it was like to put
on my favorite jacket and jump on a train to explore a city. I took the
El to Division St and walked several blocks until I reached Lake
Michigan. Located there is Oak Street Beach Park, a boardwalk complete
with out-of-place palm trees and a fantastic view of the Hancock Tower.


I strolled along as the waves smacked against the man-made
wall. I reached the sandy beach. I stood and gazed at the dark evening
water and let the wind blow. In a sense I was back in Washington, just
me and the water. It was all I needed to get back what had been fading,
a strong and positive sense of myself. There was power in hearing the
waves come in, just as there had been as I drifted off to sleep in
Seattle.

There are so many people that would wonder why
spending all that time alone over the past two years was a good thing.
I'm fortunate that the only opinion that matters is my own.

Our guest speaker today and tomorrow is James Kraybill of Elkhart, IN. Kraybill
is a veteran missionary who owns a staunch Mennonite viewpoint. He
manages to hang on to traditional beliefs while always keeping an eye
on potential problems that the church may encounter in this unsettled
world. While I agree with him on many points, I am tempted to question
how vitally immovable his stances actually are.

For example, Kraybill cites 4 Biblical texts which he believes capture the 4 critical elements of the Christian faith. The first text, Colossians
1: 17-20, contains the cosmic notion that God created the world and
rules all things. Secondly, Romans 5:1 speaks on the notion of personal
faith being peace with God and ourselves. Ephesians 2:13-18 focuses on
the social aspect of community and peace with others. Finally, 2
Corinthians 5: 17-20 asserts the importance of the church as a model
and its members as messengers. Cosmic, personal, social, church.
According to Kraybill, "This is what God is doing."

I have a problem with the assertion that these 4 points sum up what God is
doing. At this point in my life, I am not seeing eye to eye with anyone
who attempts to sum up what God is doing in a balanced, easy to
understand diagram. I have a lot of respect for Dr.Kraybill , his
experiences and the well-constructed theology that it has obviously
taken him years to construct. But this assertion so fully contradicts
my current personal faith outlook.

I'm simply trying to separate what I believe from what I was taught.

God as a creator, a God to have a personal relationship with, to show us
the way of peace with others, to go to church and worship and to go out
into the world to preach about. This pretty much sums up everything
I've ever been taught about God. So the very personal issue for me has
little to do with how much of this theology is actually right; it has
more to do with the attitude that accompanies seeing God as a mystery
that we can never fully understand versus the attitude that accompanies
summarizing God's purpose in 4 points.

Beyond this basic question of theological boldness, Kraybill
also warrants some questioning on the fact that all 4 texts are taken
from Paul. If we interpret our understanding of what God is doing
exclusively from Paul, then in my mind Paul becomes almost equal to
Jesus in our faith because he provides the entire interpretation of
what God is doing through Jesus. It's on the interpretation of one man,
according to Kraybill , that our interpretation of God is built. Paul
was a brilliant man, there is no doubt about it. But he was only a man,
and he lived 2,000 years ago. Would it be rebellious to consider other
opinions? Are we afraid to lose sight of Paul?

On that vein, Kraybill argues that one of the biggest challenges for today's church is
countering the argument that the Bible is outdated and has beensuperceded. Kraybill talked about how "other stuff is circulating around" because of those
who believe that the Bible doesn't relate to our reality and is
unintelligible to 21st century people. I think an interesting question
to ask would be why Paul's interpretation is necessarily better than
any 21st century interpretation. Paul worked soon after Jesus' death
and was appointed by God, according to the Bible. I'd simply question
by what authority we rule out what anyone else has to say. Paul's?

Week 3

This past week has been about getting to know ourselves, our teams and the larger group through various activities. Personality and spirituality tests have proved to be interesting and thought-provoking. A personality test called the Myers-Briggs determined that I am a contemplative person that sometimes needs to be reminded to not stare into space. Another test evaluated how we each receive love. According to the test, the way that I most appreciate receiving love is through phyisal touch. I welcome words of affirmation and quality time with others nearly as much.

Spiritually speaking, I am a type 3. This means I view God as a mystery, not to try and wrap my mind around, but to develop a closeness with God based on an emotional connection or experience. There are a couple of theological ideas within this spirituality type that I particularly resonate with. One is the idea that prayer is eliminating any distractions and simply being. Another is the role of music, that it creates in me a tranquility and quiet passion that I relate to the presence of God. Themes that are important to this spirituality type are poverty, humility, wisdom, letting go, and transcendence.

Although I think my spirituality type rocks, an important part of this excercise was realizing that all 4 types are of central importance to the Christian body. I might be very effective in thoughtful writings and broadening the scope of theology, but I might not be as effective in being a leader in the church as a type 1. I also would be less likely to take an independent stance on an issue than a type 4.

Getting to know ourselves and each other a little better has been supplemented by actual experience. That's what the weekend should be for, after all. On Saturday, the entire group came up with a list of 4 or 5 different things to do around Chicago. A cheesecake festival, the Museum of Science and Industry and Navy Pier headlined the group. The challenge was agreeing on who would go with who to do what and when. My group was the last to leave the house. My new friends Scott, Sam and I were keen on picking up some free cheesecake, but we also wanted to hit the museum before meeting up with the others at Navy Pier. By the time we realized the Cheesecake Fest was too far to go, we were left to take the train to the Museum. We were not even halfway there when we realized it would close around the time we got there.

It was now late afternoon and nothing had been accomplished. We were vexed, annoyed. But we began to loosen up and realize the humor of the situation when we stopped for watered down ice coffee at Dunkin Donuts. Here we were, having spent 2 weeks learning how to get around the city, and we couldn't even get anywhere by 5 o'clock in the afternoon.

We met up with another group that actually made the Cheesecake festival. They said it really wasn't worth the hour bus ride except for the decent cheesecake and a seeing a man dressed in a cheesecake costume. At Navy Pier, I enjoyed a steak and egg sandwich at a joint that was known for not serving fries. After the rest of the group headed home, Scott and I enjoyed a twilight ride on the Ferris Wheel, with views of the Hancock tower on one side and the lake on the other. Our walk to the train station took us down the "Magnificent Mile" and I was reminded of all the outward beauty and consumerism and tourism that characterizes our culture.

These are just a few of the highlights from the past week. So far, the program is exactly what I bargained for. A fun challenge. Lm

Week 2

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

It's been an up and down week but overall I've really been enjoying myself. A lot happens in a week when you have a full schedule and live with 15 others. There are many fun times and moments when I wish to be alone. This is natural. I know that I'm not the only one that feels this way; you don't always get along with everyone, and you don't always feel like doing what everyone else is doing. I lived in relative seclusion from February until August, and my living situation now is the opposite. I was uncomfortable almost constantly for the first week, yet I had the most fun I've had in a long time.

On Wednesday morning we were divided into groups who were to trek around downtown Chicago, finding landmarks and using maps to plan the route. There was some disagreement in our group regarding how the routes were chosen and I was left feeling a bit miffed. Later I managed to patch things up with a group member the best I could. Alas, someone decided to play a joke on me at Millenium Park and I wasn't in the mood to be laughed at. To compound matters, we were given a task to buy dinner with only $1 per person. This was a team activity and I was with the England team, my new friends Rachel and Kristen. We decided to give our dollars away and eat something back at the house. It was a quiet trip home. I made myself a leftover taco salad, and after I finished I overheard others talking about refusing to eat because it would defeat the point of the exercise. I didn't see it that way, but I did feel sort of guilty for eating nonetheless.

I called my friend Benjamin that night and he helped me think through what had happened in a positive way. Number one, tomorrow is another day. I like this simple reminder. My main concern that night was the impression I made on the England team. I was concerned they'd be scared off by my mood. But I was reminded that this was only one day, and that there were many, many opportunities to relate to them in the next year. Also, I think I'm really good to be around most of the time. The math works in my favor. No pressure.

Friday was another memorable day, and fortunately it was much more enjoyable. The day was set aside for service in the community. My group spent the day at a preschool/day care for children ages 2-5. It was my first time working closely with children. I was assigned the role of teachers assistant in a room of 4-year-olds. When I entered, they were in the middle of play time. A girl immediately hugged my leg and pulled me to a fake phone booth while two little boys pulled me in opposite directions. Another boy hopped on my back and I carried him around. Later, they put a bucket over my head and pounded the bucket with various objects. Why was this enjoyable? It was my first time "letting loose" with children. No longer are children scary to me and I won't feel the need to stay away from them. I may even come a little closer. Children bring a lot of joy to the world. Staying away from them is the last thing we should do.

On Saturday, a group decided to check out the Celtic festival in the middle of Hurricane Ike. I learned how to share an umbrella with my friend Alyssa. We also tried a Celtic culinary tradition, the Sausage roll. It was surprisingly delectable. Despite getting soaked, we had a nice time admiring Irish accents, catching glimpses of jigs, and admitting that the price tags on items made us feel even poorer than before. On the way to an engagement that evening with Jeff, my friend from college, I became more attached to Chicago. I walked from Michigan Avenue to the "L" Train, got off at my supposed stop and asked a couple of Chicagoans how to get the Lincoln St. Even though I needed to get to Lake St, I had the chance to hear their thick, rich Chicago accents. I walked over a bridge and admired the skyline, then passed a middle-aged man wearing dark retro garb and a hobo hat. I wanted to think he nodded at me, but I looked down just before we made eye contact.

Another highlight of the first week was Chicago Deep Dish at Lou M's. These are just a few snapshots of the first week. I am already being stretched and challenged by the experience, but most of all I want to simply have fun with all of these great new people. Yesterday we shared or faith stories, and today listened to our leaders Krista and Darrell give their views on basic theological questions. Their answers were fascinating, and I hope to discuss these questions with my team over the course of the next months.

Lee M